With a heavy heart

We are in New Jersey having a blast with family.  There is a lot I could update about, but only one thing on my mind right now.

My best friend here in NJ lost a baby almost two years ago. She was due the same week I was due with Abigail. We found out the gender of our babies on the same day. Unfortunately. her sweet baby boy was born sleeping at about 26 weeks. She was pregnant again, and set to deliver this little boy on July 12th. Just three weeks away, when she found out she has another little angel baby. This baby was born at 33 weeks 4 days, and was also born sleeping.

Words can't really express how broken my heart is for her. And I hope she doesn't mind me posting this here. But I'm sure any extra thoughts and prayers sent her way would be appreciated. I really can't believe she has to go through this again.


I'm procrastinating.

Abigail is taking a nap. Olivia is playing quietly in the toy room (which I know won't last long). I have a kitchen that needs cleaning. A living room that needs straightening and vacuuming, a pile of laundry to fold and put away, another basket of folded laundry that never got put away, and I'm sure I could find about a million other things to do. Instead I keep checking my google reader and facebook. I have a bit of a headache lingering from yesterday. But it's no excuse I need to get out of this little funk and get busy.

But first I wanted to finish a thought I started blogging yesterday. My babies are growing up. Olivia can now get into the car by herself. Climb into her carseat and completely buckle herself up, and close the car door. Only another a mother can understand how much easier this has made my life! In a lot of ways she's becoming even more independent. It's bittersweet.

And then Abigail decided to climb out of her crib the other night. So she's now in a toddler bed. Last night was the first night. It took about an hour for them to stop playing and fall asleep, but that's better than I anticipated. And for her nap she had no problems, which I also needlessly worried about. She's also potty trained. Oh, and since Olivia can do her buckle, she also insists on doing the top part of her buckle which she has now figured out how to do.

I hope that they will best friends for their whole lives. Right now they have a love/hate relationship. When Olivia is being nice, and wanting to give Abigail hugs, most of the time Abigail is acting like a little stinker and yells at her for touching her. And then when Abigail is wanting to be sweet, Olivia is the one in a bad mood. But every once in a while they're good moods align and they are the best friends. I live for those moments.

Okay now I've procrastinated enough... time to get to work!


more thoughts on motherhood.

I've started and saved like 10 posts this week. Nothing seems to come out right once I start typing. But right now I'm feeling the writing juices flowing and just feel like getting out some thoughts.

Being a mom can be really hard. And really great. But let's talk some more about the hard. My kids were sick last week with fevers and runny noses. I was also sick. Saturday morning Abigail woke up at 5:00am, still with a fever, and Olivia was up shortly after, I just didn't want to do it anymore. Both of my girls were miserable. Whining. Nothing would make them happy, and it wasn't even 8:00am. We went and woke up Aaron around 8:15. We all climbed into bed with him. While waking him up, Abigail head butted my nose. I honestly saw stars. Nose hitting hurts! There were tears on my part. And then Olivia hit me in the face with her sippy cup. Both of these were accidents, but for some reason the physical pain, plus the emotional feeling of, "I just don't want to be a mom today" were too much for me. I literally just started bawling. I think I must have scared Aaron completely awake, because he got up and took the kids downstairs. And I just laid there crying, thinking, "What on earth am I going to do when there's another one!!" I just didn't feel like I had the strength to be mom that day. I didn't have it in me to take care of sick kids. I wanted someone to take care of me! I didn't want to break up fights, and tell kids to share and stop hitting. I didn't want to play games. I didn't want to prepare any meals. I didn't want to clean my house that desperately needed cleaning. I didn't even want to cuddle my sick babies. I just wanted to be alone. And I felt it extremely unfair that I didn't have that option. And then I realized how completely selfish I was being. Me, me,  me, me. My thoughts did not extend beyond myself. So I got my scriptures and started reading. And I found strength. I got out of bed, and was mom that day. Barely, but I did it. Aaron was a huge help with cleaning, and even took Olivia for a while when Abigail was napping so I got a nap myself.

A lot of being a mom is doing things you don't want to do. With a few moments of getting to do what you want. I'm learning this, and accepting it. Right now, my least favorite, most dreaded of all mommy chores is calling me -- folding laundry. Although it won't be too bad, Aaron's going to help, and we have a movie. So here we go.



My sweet little Abigail doesn't get mentioned much on the blog. She's such a go with the flow kinda gal. Unless Olivia is taking away whatever toy she is playing with or whatever. But she's 19 months today and I realized I haven't updated much about her. She's talking a lot more the last few days. Adding words like buckle, bug and gum to her vocabulary. There's actually quite a few words she can say now I don't think I could list them all. But the most exciting thing of all.... she's almost potty trained! I really believe in starting kids early. I haven't ventured out of the house yet with her in undies, but while we're home she's perfect. The problem she really doesn't speak all that clearly, despite all of her new words. So while we are home she just runs to her potty and goes. But while when we are out and about I know she won't tell me. I'm planning on just taking her to the bathroom as soon as we get wherever we're going, and then before leave, and then when we get home. I'm really proud of her. She's a smart little one. She still uses her paci for naps and bedtime. She's still in a crib but I think she's ready for a toddler bed. She's obsessed with Olivia's bike and cries every time Olivia rides it and she doesn't. The pool opened here this week and she loves swimming with her daddy. Oh how I love my girls.