more thoughts on motherhood.

I've started and saved like 10 posts this week. Nothing seems to come out right once I start typing. But right now I'm feeling the writing juices flowing and just feel like getting out some thoughts.

Being a mom can be really hard. And really great. But let's talk some more about the hard. My kids were sick last week with fevers and runny noses. I was also sick. Saturday morning Abigail woke up at 5:00am, still with a fever, and Olivia was up shortly after, I just didn't want to do it anymore. Both of my girls were miserable. Whining. Nothing would make them happy, and it wasn't even 8:00am. We went and woke up Aaron around 8:15. We all climbed into bed with him. While waking him up, Abigail head butted my nose. I honestly saw stars. Nose hitting hurts! There were tears on my part. And then Olivia hit me in the face with her sippy cup. Both of these were accidents, but for some reason the physical pain, plus the emotional feeling of, "I just don't want to be a mom today" were too much for me. I literally just started bawling. I think I must have scared Aaron completely awake, because he got up and took the kids downstairs. And I just laid there crying, thinking, "What on earth am I going to do when there's another one!!" I just didn't feel like I had the strength to be mom that day. I didn't have it in me to take care of sick kids. I wanted someone to take care of me! I didn't want to break up fights, and tell kids to share and stop hitting. I didn't want to play games. I didn't want to prepare any meals. I didn't want to clean my house that desperately needed cleaning. I didn't even want to cuddle my sick babies. I just wanted to be alone. And I felt it extremely unfair that I didn't have that option. And then I realized how completely selfish I was being. Me, me,  me, me. My thoughts did not extend beyond myself. So I got my scriptures and started reading. And I found strength. I got out of bed, and was mom that day. Barely, but I did it. Aaron was a huge help with cleaning, and even took Olivia for a while when Abigail was napping so I got a nap myself.

A lot of being a mom is doing things you don't want to do. With a few moments of getting to do what you want. I'm learning this, and accepting it. Right now, my least favorite, most dreaded of all mommy chores is calling me -- folding laundry. Although it won't be too bad, Aaron's going to help, and we have a movie. So here we go.


Geevz said...

I always wondered how my mom could clean up vomit and dead bugs and various terrible things. Now I know, it's because it needs to be done and nobody else is there to do it for you.

When 3 comes, remember you won't have to go solo. Call up some friends.

Best of luck! Be selfish a bit. It's not worth feel guilty about!

melmck said...

SO well put. Some days, I just can't mother the way I want to or know I should. But I also read my scriptures and pray that day, ask my husband to pray for me too, and make it through the day. Then I try again the next day. It's not much but it's the best strategy I have. Try again tomorrow! :)

Rebecca said...

Every mother has days like that. Don't despair! And thank God you have a great husband like Aaron to help you through the tough parts. You are very blessed Lauren! (There are days I envy you a little bit.):)

Muse said...

Everyone needs to take sometime off..Like i call it 'My Me Time'..It is my time to relax and rejuvenate..Being a working mother i dont get much time off, but i make it a point to take at least a few minutes off everyday, so that i'll have the strength to be the mother i want to with my little one..It is going to be okay Lauren!!