Dear Olivia,

Oh my sweet eldest daughter, how we have struggled lately. You are volatile, and explosive, and sweet, and kind. I am trying to learn how to teach you that it's okay if you're not the best. It's okay if you make a mistake. It's okay if the squiggly line on your Q goes slightly up instead of perfectly straight down. It's okay if the dot on your i, is slightly larger, or smaller than you were anticipating. It's even okay if you make the line too long and it looks a d instead of an a. Those are little things, my dear. They do not require the catastrophic meltdown that so frequently accompanies such events.
     I know you love to be the fastest, and the smartest, and the best. But sometimes you will lose. And the world will keep turning. Sometimes, even when you run your very fastest, someone else will be faster. But guess what? You are still amazing. You still did your best. I struggle every day trying to figure out how to best teach you that all you need to do is your best, not be the the best. My heart breaks a little as I try to teach you that these are not always the same.
    The other day we went to story time, and the activity after the story was to make a train. Most kids quickly colored their paper so they could hurry and go play with the trains. But not you, Olivia. Oh no, not you. You sat in that chair for 45 minutes, carefully, meticulously, coloring that train. You placed each circle sticker in just the right spot. Picking them up, and replacing them when at second glance didn't meet your expectations. Some kids were already done with their picture AND playing with trains, and you were still messing around with those stickers. I tried to tell you it was good enough, and let's go play, but you didn't even seem to hear me. I love that you have the attention span long enough to sit and do things like that. I love that you want to be so good. I just hope that you know, that it's okay if everything's not perfect. I am drilling this into your head every day, even making you repeat it back to me, but I am not sure the message is sinking in.
        You are also a natural leader. Yesterday you were playing outside with your "friends" and you were leading them in a game of good vs. evil. These kids were 9 years old, and they were listening to you, and following you around. It gave me a good laugh. Especially when you declared yourself the Queen of Darkness, and said you were going to destroy the entire planet. With the help of your evil father. Seriously, you watch too much super hero television. But still, every where we go people tell me how friendly and outgoing you are. I love that about you.
      I love your desire to do your best. I just hope we can learn to control it a bit more over the years. I hope with experience of losing once in a while you will learn that it's okay. Humility is a hard thing to learn, and I guess I shouldn't expect you to learn it at the age 4.
       I'm sorry, Livie-loo-love, if I've ever done anything to make you think that the world ends if you are not the best. I want you to be happy. I want you to know that our Savior came to this Earth and died for you, so you would not have to be perfect in this life. No matter how hard we try, we will never be perfect. But He was. And that's enough. I hope you learn that, baby girl. I hope I teach you that. Because that's really all that matters. Knowing who Christ was, and that He was perfect, and the only way we will ever be perfect is through Him. 

     I love you. Oh how I love you! You are precious, and you are good, and we'll figure this life out together. Thanks for being guinea pig with this whole parenthood thing.

             Love,

Mom

Food from NYC

If you have a blog and you go to NYC

I think it's some kind of rule somewhere

that you have to post pictures of the food you ate.

Not sure, but I think I read it somewhere.

My "waffle of massive deliciousness". A freshly made Belgian waffle topped with vanilla ice cream, hot  fudge, whip cream, strawberries, and walnuts. I wish I could eat one of these every day. If I could do it again though I probably would have forgone the ice cream. If you find yourself in NYC, you should try to find  http://www.wafelsanddinges.com/. 

Junior's Cheesecake. So good. I chose Chocolate Mousse Cheesecake. Oh my goodness. That chocolate layer was like some kind of divine mixture of chocolate mousse and cheesecake. And the crust was a thick chocolate ganache type substance. And then the side was covered in mini-chocolate chips. Seriously, I die. I really didn't want to share with Aaron.

This is what our plates looked like about 10 minutes after they arrived. I forgot to take a picture right away. I had Chicken Parmigiana and Aaron had Penne Voda. His sauce was obviously a bit yummier, seeing as his plate is licked clean. This is "our place" in NYC. It's called 44 Southwest. Which is like the weirdest name for an Italian restaurant ever.
 Have I ever told you about 44 Southwest? Well if not this story should be recorded somewhere.
The first time Aaron and I ever ventured to NYC together we  didn't have much a plan, besides seeing a show. So when we got hungry, we began looking for a place to get dinner before we saw Beauty and The Beast. Walking around the streets of Manhattan trying to find a restaurant is kind of like walking around Utah trying to find a Mormon church building.
 Well not exactly like that since all the church buildings in Utah are the same, and all the restaurants in New York are different.
Anyway, we were overwhelmed with the many choices that layed (lied? lay?) before us, and decided let's just pick the next place we see.
Fate must have led us, because we happened upon the most delicious Italian food I've ever eaten. I never knew chicken could taste so good. For reals.
 So fast forward about a year.
We find ourselves again roaming the streets of The Big City. We remember the deliciousness of the restaurant from a year ago, and try to remember what it was called, or where it was or anything besides how good it tasted. I was clueless. I don't know up from down, or left from right in New York. All sense of direction stays in Jersey.
So it was all Aaron, following his nose, or his tummy. Much like Pooh Bear to a  honey pot, Aaron led us right to the restaurant! We couldn't believe we had found it again.
Let's fast forward another year.
 Once again we couldn't remember the name, but we had an idea of the location. At least Aaron did. So for a third year in a row, we found "our place". This time we got smart, took a to-go menu folded up and put it in Aaron's wallet.
We have since returned every year,
for the past 7 years.
Yeah, we're pretty much regulars.
Anyway it's a super cute little place, somewhat reasonably priced (for Manhattan) and you can read all about it's history here. Obviously I would highly recommend it.

At first glance, doesn't it look like that picture could really have been taken from a bird's eye view? But it's really just Lego's! And look at the close up... ya know just Darth Vader and Princess Leia ice skating together. If you are poor and visiting NYC, the Lego Store is a fun free place to check out. We also went to the BOTTOM of the Empire State Building, St. Patrick's Cathedral, and the Library. All free. Oh and the Temple! 

aaaahhh... I'm glad I got this all written down. Now when I have a minute I can come and relive those wonderful 24 hours.

   

How could I have nothing to blog about...

It just seems overwhelming to try to write about our latest trip to Jersey/NYC. I should probably at least mention it though. Especially since it included a trip to Broadway to see Newsies. Which was awesome. There is really something to be said about being able to sit in a seat and just get completely lost in a show. Without having children climbing all over you. That may have been the best part. And my super awesome cousin let us sleep at her apartment. Seriously in another life I am writer, who lives in a 4th floor walk up, studio apartment in uptown Manhattan. Well I guess if I'm dreaming it doesn't have to be a walk up... I can have an elevator. And if I'm really dreaming I guess it doesn't have to be a studio... Anyway, my cousin has the cutest studio apartment and it is absolutely insane what she has to pay to live there. But Madonna is her neighbor, so I mean ya get what ya pay for I guess.  We ate so much delicious food. To the tune about 3lb weight gain in a week.... but oh these are quality pounds I packed on. Pizza, chicken parm, belgian waffles from a truck, bagel sandwiches, chinese food... mmm yummy days. We also took the train this trip which was really nice. Originally I had wanted to drive in, but once we calculated the cost of parking, tolls, gas, and our sanity, we opted for the train. It was so relaxing, again to just sit. Without children climbing all over me. We were also able to attend the temple. It was of course, awesome. I'm pretty sure, only in Manhattan can there be like 10 people in the session, and there are two listening in Mandarin, and 1 in Spanish, while the rest of us listen in English. I really do love that about New York.

Mother's Day.... oh Mother's Day. I had a whole post in my head. But I never wrote it. And now it's gone. But basically I am so grateful for the many mothers in my life. Of course my own mother, but also my mother-in-law, my grandmother, and my aunts. I got the nicest cards from my aunt and cousins. My cousins even got me flowers. Seriously - my family is awesome. I was so grateful for the kind words about doing a good job. I think that's what every mother's day card should say, forever. Just anything to the effect of, "Keep up the good work". Because I think as mothers we are always wondering if we are doing the right thing, or the best thing, and it's just so validating to hear someone say you are doing it right.

My kids made me breakfast, and got me the cutest cards. Olivia painted me a picture of a rose growing out of a cliff. She is so creative. Abigail sang me, "You are my Sunshine". And I'd like to say Nathan slept through the night... but sadly, no. (He better make up for it next year, or he's out of the will.) Regardless, it was a beautiful day. And I am so, so grateful that I am a mother.

Faith. Quote. Awesome.

I have the unique opportunity right now to teach online Seminary in my Church. It has been really awesome. This morning I asked the mom of a brother/sister duo in my class to be our guest speaker. I could not have known how awesome she was going to be. Seriously. It was a great, great class. Eight years ago she found herself, 29 years old, and a widow with three small children. She shared how the Lord blessed her and did not forget her during this trial. One quote she shared that I always want to remember is:

"I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."


Usually I don't read quotes on blogs. I like to hear what the person has to say and most quotes don't hold my interest. If you are like me - go back and read the quote. It is a better message than I could ever convey. Faith is knowing that more happy days lie ahead than bad ones.


I suppose this spoke to strongly to me this morning because our time in Erie is coming to an end. I do not want to see this time end. I have not exactly been looking forward to returning to the dismal heat of the desert. I didn't think of this as a lack of faith until this morning. I have changed my attitude. I am now excited, and I realize that even better moments are lying ahead. I will miss Erie, but like the quote said, I will bring the best of it with me. 


Well duty calls... I just wanted this quote somewhere I could find it easily.


**Edited to add... Sorry kids started going crazy and I forgot to cite the quote. It's from Jeffery R. Holland, in an address to BYU students. http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=12522  You can read the entire talk here... and it has a lot of gems in it.

insomnia.

I don't know what it is. Something happens in my brain if I get woken up in the middle of the night... and I am completely unable to fall back to sleep. It is the most frustrating thing in the world. Last night Nate woke up around 1. He fussed and whined, and was unhappy until I finally got him back to sleep around 1:45. As soon as I laid back down I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. I tried to fight it. Just count backwards from like 9,999,999... deep breathe. Hypnosis. Nothing. Wide awake, mind racing, as I watched the clock... 2:00, 3:00, 4:00... finally just after 5am, I dozed off.

I can literally lay there and not move a muscle, with my eyes closed, for an entire hour and not fall asleep.  I try to do all sorts of mental tricks. I pray. I put a sleeping ap on my phone. When whatever shifts in my brain, shifts, it seems like no matter what I do, sleep will not come. Frustrating! So... I fall asleep sometime shortly after 5:00am. at 7:00 Nathan woke up crying. I get up and bring him in bed to nurse. I sleepily feed him... and then he starts whining. Making grumpy little sounds... and then projectile vomits all over me. And himself. And my bed. Literally emptied the entire contents of his stomach, I am sure. It's all over him and me. I start to undress him, and realize he also pooped. Like a major blowout. So with two hours of sleep, I get to clean massive amounts of puke and poop before 8:00am.

What better job is there, than motherhood?

Olivia also woke up in a mood. She screamed in Abigail's ear. And is convinced Abigail is just trying to get her in trouble. I don't think Abigail can even comprehend that yet... making up lies to get her sister in trouble... no, I don't think so. But Olivia is very hurt that I am believing Abigail.

Anyway, even though it's only 8:30am, and I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, I am still super happy. Know why? This time next week I will be in NYC!!!! Wednesday night Aaron and I are going to go see Newsies! And then spend the night at my cousins apartment and do all kinds of new yorky stuff. I am super super excited. Oh, and I'm leaving all three children behind! So so so grateful for wonderful family willing to watch my crazy brood.

Super Hero Night!

We love our local Chick-Fil-A.

They always have something fun going on.

Last week they had super hero night.

My girls and I spent the afternoon cutting up an old sheet to make capes and masks.

Then when we got there they had free face painting.

It was basically awesome.

Olivia wanted a rainbow mask.

And so of course Abigail also wanted a rainbow.

Oh hai Jody in the background! What up girl?

See the silver "necklace" under her cape? It's just some random string she found, but it looks like my Vintage Pearl necklace that I wear all the time... and so she wears this all the time. It makes me smile.

Please ignore the overflowing closet behind her!

In unrelated news -- I was talking to Nanny (what I call my maternal grandmother) on the phone Friday night at 9:00PM. Know what she was doing? Vacuuming under her mattress, and under her bed. There is no room to put the mattress, and she can't lift it all the way up so she rests it on her back. She told me she looked like a cavewoman, hunched over with the mattress on her back. Did I mention, she's 80?! Does this mental picture make anyone else crack up? I am young and able -- and I have never, not once, ever vacuumed the space between my mattress and box spring. When I told her so, she couldn't believe it. It's probably a good thing she lives 450 miles away, because I think if she saw my laundry room right now she would literally fall over. I hope this doesn't sound like I am mocking her. There is no one I respect more than Nanny. I wish somehow mattress vacuuming was genetic, and that I somehow got the gene, but I did not. Instead, I have to try to just follow her example, and do my best. Truth be told, I am a horrible housekeeper. It's a daily struggle. I pretty much wait until everything is so horrible I can't stand it any more, and then I clean like a maniac for a day or two. And I swear, this time I am going to stay on top of it. I will never let it get super messy again!.... and then it does. And I don't have energy to clean it... until it gets so bad I can't stand it anymore so I clean like a maniac... and this cycle repeats. Today is a clean like a maniac day - as Mondays usually are. Something about weekends... Anyway, today when I get too tired to finish cleaning, I will think of my 80 year old grandmother vacuuming her mattress and it will give me the motivation to keep going.

Dinner

My kids help me cook dinner almost every night. Last night we had baked potatoes. Olivia washed the potatoes, wrapped them in foil, pushed the buttons on the stove, and even put the potatoes in the oven. She frequently stirs pots, adds ingredients, and recently has even helped chop vegetables (highly supervised!).

I know a lot of people would gasp at letting a 4 year old touch the stove. Or a knife. But really she's quite capable. She is learning. And yes there have been a few burns, and cuts along the way, but I think she's the wiser for them.

My goal is to have her completely cooking dinner by the time she's 7.

Kidding, kidding. But seriously, I love our time cooking together. I like to think we're creating memories. And a love for cooking. And building confidence.

.....and now this lovely blog is interrupted by Olivia yelling, "MOM! Abigail just poured her own milk and spilled it!"

... perhaps I've created a little too much confidence.